Waves

I’ve been trying to write for the last half hour, and I can’t seem to find the words I really want to use. When your mind is so full of thought and your heart so full of emotion, it can be difficult to formulate a coherent sentence. Maybe tomorrow I will have more mental clarity, but for now, I accept that I need time to process before I can grasp the right words. I can only say that things seem to be shifting and changing–I don’t know what that means exactly or what will come of it, but I am trying as hard as I can to ride the waves of this ocean I’m in and not get trapped underneath them. I’ve had many times when a wave does overtake me and I begin to drown, but just as I am about to give up and let my lungs fill with water, I suddenly break the surface and gasp in air. I am grateful to the universe for this, for allowing some small but potent change to occur just when I need it the most. I am trying to just keep moving, creating and inviting these small changes when I can.

My yoga experience has been varied this week. On Monday, I had a transformative class: I went in feeling low–stuck in a deep depression and resentful of everything–but I underwent an amazing shift and came out of the studio feeling awakened, refreshed, and liberated. And I actually enjoyed myself during the practice, which is something I have rarely experienced, at least to that extent. You know that when yoga teachers say, “Let your practice be effortless,” and it kind of pisses you off because since when is holding yourself in a squat or standing on your head effortless? Well, my experience in that class was probably the closest I’ve come to actually understanding what they mean when they say that. I felt that union with my body (the word yoga actually means union) and took actual joy in all of the sweaty torture.

I had a similar, though less pronounced, experience the next day, in a gentler hatha class, and I had a pretty good home practice on Wednesday.

But yesterday was different, unfortunately. I don’t know whether it was that the teacher just wasn’t my style (no music and not many modifications provided) or that I was back in the dark black hole of doom or that I was feeling some muscle-related side effects of a medication, but I left feeling teary and even nauseated.

I do think I am beginning to see, though, that there is value in those kinds of practices, too. I do think that it shifted things; it just happened that it shifted things such that I had to experience some really negative emotions that had been building in me.

Today I went to acupuncture, and it seems to have shifted things in a more positive direction. I do think it’s important that things just keep shifting, even though it’s inevitable that there will be a lot of this back-and-forth.

My heart is still heavy and sad, but I am grateful for the love I have and the love I am able to give.

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