Oh, hello, long-abandoned yoga blog. I had such dreams for you, and then you were left behind after a storm of depression and anxiety and illness and frustration and confusion and general unpleasantness. But I didn’t forget about you.
So, last semester. Suffice to say: it was tough. Both physical and mental illness seemed to cling to me like leeches, and I reached the point where I felt beyond the point of no return. But this break has been good to me and has given me some time to heal and rediscover a few of my Happy Things, like whiskers on kittens and warm woolen mittens, except not really those things. Just writing and reading, really, which unfortunately don’t rhyme and just generally don’t make for good items to list in a song like “My Favorite Things.”
And a little more yoga. I’ve learned to appreciate restorative poses a little more–I tend to want to figuratively set myself on fire before I do anything restorative, because that’s the best way to get myself to a point where I can actually sort of relax and rise from my ashes. But when I can’t set myself on fire first, I have a terrible time trying to calm my mind. But I’ve gotten to where I can just a little and at least enjoy the feeling of the stretch.
And I’ve been learning to appreciate even when I can just do a short practice–a couple of Sun Salutation A’s, some backbends, some twists. One of my hang-ups in everything that I do is that I carry the curse of the all-or-nothing attitude: if I can’t run five miles, it’s not worth moving; if I can’t craft a perfect novel within a short amount of time; it’s not worth writing; if I can’t make my apartment sparkle like the fine mane of a unicorn, it’s not worth cleaning. Etc.
So learning to appreciate the small victories is significant, I think.
And backbends always make me feel better. Hooray for heart-openers!
One of the next things on my list is to find a yoga studio where I feel comfortable, preferably one that offers flow and Ashtanga classes, so that I work up to that again. Though I don’t expect I’ll ever find another teacher quite as awesome as Jen Donovan. 🙂 Fortunately I got to see her, as well as her husband/my Reno chiropractor, Taylor. They are both extremely lovely people, and I was fortunate to be able to get my yoga and chiro fixes with them while I was in my hometown, in addition to seeing my beautiful family and amazing friends.
I also begin a new semester on Monday, which is nerve wrecking given the difficulties of the last few months. But I am trying to let go and trust that I will find my way, no matter how the wind blows. People have been assuring me that whether school works out or doesn’t work out; whether I go into something involving media, return to studying English, or completely change course, it will be ok. And it really helps to hear that. And to remember that my passions are mine and no matter what I do at school or work, I can write and I can practice yoga–those things are mine.
Before that, though, I have a birthday to celebrate on Saturday, hopefully in addition to a playoff victory for my NFL team. GO NINERS!